By: Linette Morgan
Sitting on the back step, alone for the first time in days, Dez listened to the orchestra of frogs coming from the pond. It was hard to grasp in her mind that the world continued around her, when hers was so utterly shattered.
It still felt like it was a lifetime ago that she had said good night to Lynn on her front walk. The moon had been full and there was just enough of a breeze that the mosquitoes left them alone. It had been a magical night, filled with laughter and secrets.
The secrets… Is that what happened? Her mother had once told her, after church one morning, that secrets were Satan’s way of keeping the sin alive. What could be sinful about the way Lynn made her feel? They hadn’t had sex, so there was no sin there. That girl simply made her feel alive, cherished. It was the only time she had felt love in her soul since her father passed when she was four. Twelve years was certainly a long time to live with an empty heart. Wasn’t it?
Mother had always told her that she needed to find a nice boy in the church who would take care of her. It never mattered if she would love him. The “spark” was something Satan put in the hearts of sinners. That spark would kill any God-given relationship, and she would be forever alone… Just like what happened with her father.
Is that what happened? Was her love what killed Lynn? Was their love something from Satan?
Her mother said her pain was silly. That she should be glorifying God for wanting Lynn with Him. But the fact was, it hurt. There was a deep and black gash in her soul now that she couldn’t fill up. No matter how much she prayed, or tried to talk to her friends about it. She shouldn’t hurt this much, the pastor said. “Our feelings here don’t matter. We should only have the feelings of the Glory of God”.
Dez closed her eyes and listened to the frogs, trying to block out the words everyone had said of the course of the past month, but all she could see was Lynn’s face. She felt her lips and remembered her voice as she said goodbye to her on the sidewalk.
It shouldn’t hurt like this. But it did! And she missed her. All she wanted to do was beg God to send her back.
It hurt like hell, and the truth was… It hurt, because it mattered. It mattered like nothing in her life ever did before.