A year has passed and yet there are moments where I’m convinced it was yesterday. They say it’s the quiet ones you need to worry about. Only that really is the truth. It’s the quiet ones who don’t ask for help. The ones who never reach out and tell their loved ones they are struggling with the darkness inside, with depression… they are the ones you need to watch for. Reach out to them. Please. We only get to live this life one time. Don’t regret failing to ask. It’s been a year but every word of this holds true today.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 Passing it on could save a life.
Passing it on could save a life.
I’ve thought about you often over the years. I was only 13 when we met but I knew even then that we’d be friends. You were always a bit aloof in a crowd, only back then I thought you were too cool for school always with your shades on and spiked hair. This might be easier if I’d only had a single bad memory to hold on too. It might make the pain a little easier to swallow if I had some hate. Only I don’t. No rose colored glasses, just you.
I never told you but when we were in the 10th grade I had the biggest crush on you. We’d both been apart of The King and I and long days and nights meant getting to spend more time with you. Silly shinanagins and makeup disasters. I was always too scared to tell you of course. Life at 15 is all highs and lows, life and death. Only it wasn’t, was it. Life was in so many ways, easier.
The past 2 week you’ve weighed heavily on my mind. Maybe I should have listened to that. I have this crazy memory, we were 16 and a group of our friends and I all snuck out of our houses or played the “I’m staying at so and so’s” game. The group of us all had one plan in mind that night: rescue Shea from his house. You had been grounded for some reason and we all thought it was a travesty. The mission was an utter failure. We had the cops called on us by your dad, who we mistakenly thought was you in the darkness that 3am while attempting to open bedroom windows. I’ve thought about that night with found memories over the years and although you were not there, I still always think of you and smile. I think of when I told you about our crazy night, how you rolled your eyes and laughed. Your dad called us hooligan assholes. Maybe that’s weird. I don’t know. I also think about the time we did spend together and the memories we made. You are in so many and maybe you didn’t know, maybe I didn’t tell you enough but you’ve always held a special place in my heart. Because you were special. You were kind and honest and funny.
Suddenly and without my say years passed. And then two months ago I found you on a social networking site. I was over the moon to reconnect with you. We were going to get coffee and catch up next time I was in town. You didn’t know this, but you made the long list of a whoping three people from high school I wanted to re-connect with but never did. I was going to tell you that when we met up in person. Not to say I didn’t try over the years. You weren’t an easy man to track down. I heard through other friends you’d moved around quite a bit. But that was all in the past because I’d found you again. I was going to see you again.
Today I found out that you took your own life. Today my heart broke and I can’t stop crying. Tears that have a mind of their own and shed without my permission. I’m mad at you and I’m sad for you, but most of all I miss you. I wish I’d been there for you. I wish we could have had that cup of coffee. So many wishes, only no one to hear them now.
I hope that you’re able to find peace Shea. I hope the pain stopped. I hope that someday in future far from now, in another life, we will see each other again and I can tell you all these things I never got to say. Hopefully there is coffee in the next life, because I miss you I’d been looking forward to seeing you. Maybe you already know all this, I guess I’ll never know for sure. I just wanted to say it anyways. I needed too try and tell you, even if only to the dark void of the interwebs. You’d probably roll your eyes at me right now but I’d take that eye roll in a heart beat over the hole you left.
You will forever have a place in my heart dear old friend.